Friday, December 31, 2010

Thank You 2010!

2010... Whatever, it’s the best part of my life. Many years I travelled with a smile n cry as a part, still 2010 is more special among everything. I started with perplexity, by searching a certainty. Huge part of misery happened from very beginning. actually was continued at the begining. Best part is, still it’s there.

Too many explanations, promises, eventual words n tears. Tears rolled out unkowingly, even in a crowded train, in auto without any hesitation.

It's hard to find someone who can cry like us for our problem, when we know that we should let them go, that's more hard to make it with smile. This is one among the reason for reserve. In very second month I can feel the distance, but on grace(!) it was confirmed on third month.

Remain reserved for 5 months, bald even. No calls, meet no one. Connected all the dots. Office... Room.. movie.. Sleep.. Cry.. Connect.. Movie.. again office.. room. Nothing there to blame, it happened. All the dots were connected, still few remains unconnected, called exceptions.

Everyone dream about everything, company included. I got into such a company. That too happened like an accident. Can say it's a gift of 'SOMEONE'. To avoid meeting with 'someone' I engaged myself.

Still 2010 Gave me many things, brought me many moments after long, long time.

Had Pannir soda after 10 yrs, Thanks Suren!

Crab after 15 yrs, Thanks Packi!

And got reply from a girl, I adore first, that too after 8 yrs… Thanks for (your) reply!

My Mom crossed her 50th birthday, Never free your hold from me maa.

Cried like anything for many days, after 7yrs.. Nothing there to blame anyONE!

Too many trips, Kallaar, Ooty, Yercaud-Ooty, Kumbakonam-srivanjiyam, n at last our spot ''DEAD END'.

Then this is the third year end I'm speading with my best buddy Suren.

Got too many usual reason for, usual S-mileeee…!!!!

Too many things, loads n loads of stuff, kinda finishing a 5yrs course in a year ;)
Thanks 2010…

Saturday, October 23, 2010

On Her Birthday!

Today is her birthday. I’m … sorry we are still in a bed, nothing fishy; I came late from office yesterday. Even last morning I planned to be on time but I missed ‘cause of my work. Strange thing is I received not even a single call from her to remind me. She is still in deep sleep. I want to make something to surprise her.

Still remember her first birthday since we met … mmm .. But at that time we were just below as friends and a point above as strangers. At office a day before her birthday, she came and said that ‘tomorrow is my birthday, will you get me some chocolates’

I was like to ask ‘why should I?’

But she continued not even waiting for my answer ‘without nuts, I’m in diet. Will you? You should’

I smiled at her by nodding.

She continued again, ‘will you call me at 12, … … … ‘cause I like people wishing on  12’

What I can say, again with the same smile I nodded again.

‘mmm’ she said with that smile. I still remember that smile.

I knew few guys proposed her and one who tortured her by messaging daily to accept his proposal. I’m wondering still why this girl wants to be a friend of me. I remember nothing special I did to her since our first meet.

Now, cot is bit disturbing, I think she is awake. I turn around to her side, we are facing our faces close enough.

I, ‘sorry da’

With a smile, ‘mmm… then’

‘then… tell me what I can do for my princess on this special day’

by inhaling deeply and moved her hair back 'you're doing daily'

'Daily?? what??'

‘Why you are doing clean shave daily, even shaving your mustache?’



I reach her lips by holding her hands tightly down. Without any option she tried to push 
me with her lips. A minute … again other … one another … I let her free.

I ‘hope you got the answer’

‘poda, you are killing me’

This is the sentence she used to say since my first kiss. I said nothing ‘cause after that I’m dead always like a male spider.

‘okay loose, sorry I really missed’

‘nothing to say, you always do this even before marriage. You usually miss my call and you never used to call me.’

‘You should have called me yesterday’

By looking at me merely, she puts her hands on my cheek and wipes my lips with thumb, 

‘I born everyday now, every minute is special.’

I kissed her forehead. What precious I can gift to this precious? Her words really have its meaning, ‘you are killing me’ and ‘I born every day now’.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Times in rest room!

It’s totally disgusting. For all this might be over reacting, but it’s my pain. Now I have things what one need at this age, my career, my pay and everything. Still it’s aching, I missed something. That’s what I said long time back “if money is my only problem I would have been keep on crying since I heard the word money”.

I ever felt bad for even at the time my pay was low. All I knew I‘ll reach my goal. Even after graduation, I wandered like a dog for a simple job; even that time my status update was ‘sharpening my AXE’. Damn now I felt very bad about myself. I cried n cried enough for more than half year, still I feel the pain at every night. I ever had a though that I’ll go lonely again. I’m okay now and all time unless hear those words … unless I met, I don’t know what’s happening, might be nervous, fear, crumple … stuck up … thirst … killing me in simple. I don’t know why I’m still struggling.

Please someone help me to come out of this … I'm struggling to sleep all nights ...

How she is expecting me to talk casually, even as soon as I received any chat message from her I’m running to rest room and I cry enough then I get back to my job. Even today!

Do you thing I’m coward?

Friday, August 20, 2010

You or I mean you and me

Have you ever walked or worked or wandered or met anyone or did anything naked? That’s really hard to do. We can also say it in other way; we are hiding something with us all time. Don’t we go nude at least one time to someone in our life span? We might, we call them as better half.

There should not be any secrets between them. If there is anything or something then there is no meaning of living together. All the nights you spend together, showing once to another are to mean
that there are no secrets with me. There is a million dollar question what if one can’t accept another’s secret. Nothing to wonder, time you reveal your secret is matter. Speak frankly without any hesitation, after everything you can go for commitment. One who can accept your faults with smile is having all the right to laugh when you succeed. After all if both of them find some more comfort that lead them to commit. Even after they committed, problem will (MUST) arise.

Do you think suicide is the best solution for any problem? If you say yes, then there is no question if you go for divorce.

When we are saying as better half, what is the meaning in leaving other incomplete? Then there will be an unanswerable question. How can one tolerate blunders? Blunders, that’s really punishable. Even in the (damn) law, death is the punishment for only to the cruelest behaviors. Death is separation of body and soul. When you are the body and your better half is the soul. Is there any meaning in letting your soul out for such blunder? Remember, “Death is a punishment, NOT for ALL BLUNDERS.” Ever think about
leaving other alone, which is seriously a suicide. Not all the problems are just a problem.

In a pair, if one has affair with someone new, FIRST the other should think really what that someone is really filling. Only when there is a GAP something (SOMEONE) can fill. The gap might be on either end. As I stated earlier, “DEATH IS A PUNISHMENT not for all blunders.” Make sure there should not be any regret after the punishment. If the true understanding blossomed between them then there is no time for punishment.

In this relationship never expect the other to understand you, you understand them first. I really mean it. If your partner is not comfortable with any of your activity, then the fault is yours, because always it’s your responsibility to keep your partner in comfort. This can be made it on other way; it’s each others responsibility to take care of each other in each moment of life. This is what we agree at the time of marriage.

Above all is the reason though there is a term called sex, people use love instead. That it should happen spontaneously, not by fixing a time and
waiting for that. When they feel like there is no words to describe their love they should make love. Times, just a word is enough, a hug or a kiss will do but in some moment we really feel, where we find no word to describe, that time the chemical reaction is termed as love.

If it happens for any other reason then it’s called business. Even the reason is they need kid, and then it’s a production not love. If a man married a girl for dowry then he is a male gigolo. That is called as prostitution not family.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

She Still Remains same to me!

She left the office very earlier today. I was little bit busy, as soon as I heard from her colleague I tried to contact her she just said that she is not feeling well and asked me to not to bother. After office I bought bread for us. I saw foot prints made of flour in front of our home.

Carefully, without disturbing those prints I entered home. I was wonder because she is doing something in kitchen. Usually she do but with my company. She was not born with silver spoon but her father brought up her so. I remembered the first dish she tried, she know that I like dosa then idly. Actually both sides were not backed properly and it was already like a pizza. She sliced it in to ‘N’ number. With the same eager and fear I entered in to the kitchen. She was really fighting with that cocker.


She was bit shocked and with disappointed tone, “you came? Mmm … I thought of surprising you by making everything ready when you reach home. But you came early.”

Early? My loose, what happened to you, why you came early? You said that not feeling well n what you are doing now?

With childish smile, I saw a bit of shyness in it, “nothing, you said right, yester day that you are missing those days, Krishna jayanthi celebrations and vinayagar chathurthi recipes. Feel like giving things to you da. Today is Krishna jayanthi.” By rubbing the flours in her hands she finished with that smile.

By merely looking at her I gone back to those days, B.M (before marriage) every day as soon as she woke up, she message me asking “awake?”, “had breakfast?”, that day I said ‘yes’, as usual she found the truth, then usual threats and anger. I asked what she had, she said that kolukattai, and in that day there was some pooja in her home. I said I miss her like anything and even kolukattai too. She really felt bad. Those days we were hardly met each other. Very next day she prepared payaasam for me. Even while having that she asked too many times ‘is it okay?’, I replied ‘you added too much of sugar’. Though she held her spoon, she changed it to left hand and grabbed mine and tasted it. She did it knowingly. That time I realized every man is complete only when he finds his own girl.

“what da? I wasted everything …”

“nothing is waste my princess”

We started backing that half backed kolukattai.

I said “this should prepare for vinayagar chathurthi”

“I know, but you said yesterday, so that I did”

“you did? Oh … what you did?”

“Poda …” our play continued then ...

We backed all half backed kollus as well us!

Friday, August 13, 2010

I Woke Up in Roofless Room

Today I woke up before dawn; I was wonder that there is no roof I found over there. I was confused. I was wandering inside the room, all of sudden I found a pistol near by my pillow. As soon as I picked it up, I remembered some order given by someone. I walked down the streets. I remembered the voice, but I don’t remember when I heard n who said, “No Matter who … no matter where … Nothing will bother you. It’s up to you to save and protect." All the way I heard is only these words.

I saw a man who’s stealing a shop by making a small hole on the wall. I stopped there and watched him for a while. I remember my order. I lifted the pistol n my fingers reached the trigger. I heard that voice, “no matter who … no matter where …” I shot him dead. I continued the journey.

Next a woman I saw, who is offering her at some cost. Yeah! They called her as prostitute. This is not illegal in some region. I heard the voice “it’s up to you to save n protect”. I know I hate it. Might be a very good business and have a pity short story behind them. I wouldn’t prefer this. I shot her and her two of the customers. Yeah! I read it somewhere ‘where there’s a demand there’s a supply’.

I saw a boy playing with a puppy. He’s really not playing but squeezing it. I crossed them. I still heard screaming noise. “NO MATTER WHO”, I turned around and shot that kid. I continued walking, puppy followed me. In the petty shop an old man was selling drugs. NO WAY! I shot him too. I returned to my room, roofless room. I gone to sleep, puppy started licking my ears and nose. I pushed it away, again it continued. No other go I shot it.

Morning I went out for a breakfast. The shop daily I have my food was not opened. That’s owned by that woman. And a petty shop where I daily purchase my groceries are shut. Yeah! That’s own by that old man. A boy who daily plays with me was missing on that street. I remember that thing. I feel crap about myself. I took the milk pocket and poured it in a bowl for that puppy without knowing what I did to it.

When I realized I sat in the corner of the room, felt bit of loneliness. I closed my eyes for a while …I heard a strange screaming noise. I woke up all of sudden, now I found a roof above. Everything might be a dream, I thought. But there is a pistol beside me. I watched outside of the window a boy playing with a puppy.

"There is no god…
Other then You n Me!
There is no evil..
Other then You n Me!
There is no sin…
Other then loving each other!
There is no pitiless punishment…
Other then forgiving with smile!
There is nothing other than YOU and ME!!!"

Thursday, July 29, 2010

'Cause it's you!

Evening around 5, we reached home, me n our bingo. Soon after she entered in the home she shouted “M/s Smart I’m home and your genius too” she laughed.

She came out of kitchen, “ohhh! What this little devil wants her mom to do for that” by the way she tried to take her school bag… she smelled something and stared at me … real strange look.

She asked me “don’t you remember what day is today?”
Soon after asked this question, she pulled bingo with her and went in side.

I asked to myself, what day? Birth day, anniversary or day I proposed… mmm … nothing I remember.

I heard “brush like me not like your smart father”
By the way she came to bed room. that time I’m taking off my clothes.

“Pardon me my majesty, I don’t remember” in sarcastic tone.

“ahaa! .. Enough… please stop your non sense… Really you don’t know what you did”

“oh! Let me first get clear my majesty, you want to know what I have done for today or what day is today? Please be sure my lord” I gently nodded my eye brows.

“uff! … you made her to eat bread omelet ….”

I remain silent… what else I do …

“what happened sir … hope now you was clear about what I’m asking …”

“oh! That’s the problem” I smiled.

“I’m serious”

“Okay come here” I pulled her towards me.

“Today is Friday, how come … don’t you remember” she asked me in pleasing tone.

“dei! If you feel it’s a sin or something that should not do, don’t do it for any cost. Any way other week days she gonna have what’s the problem in Friday.”

No reply from her. She still stares at me.

I continued “Don’t –YOU- remember a day after we proposed each other, we met in Bangalore in some mall, and it might be Saturday. You asked me ‘loose if you like to have anything from KFC. Moreover though I said no, you yourself went to buy for me, my dear princess. Then …”

“Okay… enough…” she smiled.

Again I continued “Anyway this is your perception. Don’t insist her, though she is our daughter”
In sarcastic tone she asked me “then why you are not taking now. Justifying for her -WHY-YOU-ARE-NOT?”
I sat on bed and made her to sit on my lap

“Cause my princess doesn’t like that smell”

“anyway that’s someone’s problem … hmmm?” she noded her eyebrows.

“mmm … ‘cause it’s you”

I tried to reach her lips …

“poda” she pushed me and got up from my lap. Then she came near, each of us foreheads clashed. She said “that one thing is I like you so so so much. Don’t go away from me. ok?” she whispered.

Suddenly Bingo opened the door;

She winked and she moved to kitchen by the way she said “don’t do it next time”

me “ai … loo”

“whatever” she left to kitchen

Now my bingo on my lap, “daddy, from tomorrow onwards …”

“you don’t want it right?”

“uhymm, you get me a mint after that” lighting reply, she winkled at me.

We both laughed out loudly.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

What makes you to think about your marriage?

  • I think I’m aged.

  • All my friends are married.
    (Do you know what they felt when seeing a single like you?)

  • My parents are compelling me so I have to.

  • My relatives are asking my mom why I’m still single.

Is these are the reasons behind your marriage.

Then it’s obvious that you and your partner have to sacrifice things after marriage.

The reason behind your marriage should be LOVE.

If you have a question like this,
how can I select my pair by going against my mom?
I have a question for you. If in any case your mom’s father and your father are in squabble, on which side your mom stands. If you don’t have answer, here it is your father’s side. Simple! It doesn’t mean that she is not loving her father. If you ask the same thing to grand or great grand mother you’ll get only this answer. Life is a gift from your parents. I do agree! And I don’t want to sacrifice it even for them.

If you have a question like this, my dad spends for my studies, my dad bought me dresses, my mom feds me. They can choose a life partner as well. That’s really a tough question to answer. That’s really true, every mom did that. But have you ever wonder how a just born child knew to suck that milk. If you believe in god, then its god, if you are atheist, then it’s nature. Same God or Nature taught every one to feel for their own pair.

If you have a question like this, these many years people did arranged marriages and lived a happy life, what for me. That’s really another tough question.
Even I agree, because I started dreaming about my girl ‘cause of my parents. I know how they loved each other. But I’m not lucky enough to have such a life by selecting strange partner.

I’m not asking everyone to do love marriage. But I'm saying that the dreams and views about marriage are different for each other. They should match accordingly else,

Before marriage, a girl has to
make love to a man to hold him.
After marriage,
she has to hold him
to make love to him.”
--Marilyn Monroe

A girl who is having a dream about her marriage life, her husband should pamper her everyday, expecting a surprise her every month. What if she married to a guy whose thought about marriage is to get a kid for his family. There is nothing wrong in their thoughts but what will happen if they get married.

There is no meaning if a pair looks made for each other or investigating on each of their backgrounds. A pair can have a comment like made for each other is by the way they understanding each other at the time of misunderstanding arise between each other. Understanding will give trust. Trust is other name of love. Love should create a bond… bond called as marriage.

The bond hold both should be love and not for society, parents and even your own children. Have a time to understand each other and know really can live together. Do just let it happen.

Marriage is just another invention of mankind. Up to me “it’s an occasion to inform people we know, that we are going to live for each other, please don’t disturb us”.

Marriages exist first and they extended it to reception according to their wealth. Then we started celebrating reception before marriage. Engagements exist later. To take time to read each other. Though you committed, then you finds that there is no more compatibility between each other, think and proceed further. Always people think that things will be getting fine after marriage. What if not? Don’t do things for one day celebration.

Children are born by us not for us." Every parent has dreams and should dream to give a birth to their own children, soon after they come into this universe they are started dreaming. Only thing parent should do is to teach how to dream not WHAT TO DREAM? If all did then this universe will starts missing new human every day. Your children learn things from you anyway. Show them how truly should love and believe!

Have a Happy Life!

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Only if I get back those moments...

"Remember there's no such thing as
a small act of kindness. Every act
creates a ripple with no logical end."
-Scott Adams

(Sitting in the corner of a dark room, started talking alone) First I don’t want to attend any calls. Later I hesitate to pick calls. Then I forgot to do that (smiles) … (with serious face) Now I hate to talk through mobiles ... I changed a lot. I can feel it. Still some advising me like “if you see someone more gorgeous and in good structure you’ll fall again”. Moreover they want me to mark their words. Funny! Really it’s …

Yeah! I know I might fall… I’ll… I fell because she is beautiful. If so I should keep falling everyday since … (smiles) I can say from school days.

mmm … what if I fell for some gorgeous as my fellow said, I’ll expect same things what I get n felt in earlier. I still remember, in a long travel she slept on my shoulder, by holding my hand. When she woke up we had a conversation, all of sudden I kissed her. Deeply… (smiles by looking down)

she said “you are killing me” by holding my shirt tightly. …

Then she said “I felt your breath all over my face while you … “

“Is it so? I didn’t felt yours” in sarcastic tone.

By staring my eyes she replied “I can’t breathe …” she gasped while saying this...
“loose take me somewhere … only you and I … Only…”

(Whispered) I should ... I should… why I didn’t …

(In louder tone) mmmm yeah! What if I expect same
appreciation after kissing the gorgeous? What if she said nothing? I don’t know … What I do if she comes back when I’m with that hell gorgeous? (smiles) how stupid I’m …

(in pleasing tome) She was expressive.. (bit louder) more expressive, that’s what killing me know. Fine, before that I had a crush with a girl, you know what, when I started talking with her I forget even myself, (smiles) where I get time to think about that crush. Even she knew about that. (voice fades) Today everything went against everything.

I thought thousand things before proposing; now I should think ten thousand things even to accept any proposal. (smiles) proposal…

Even now … every night before I sleep I’ll say “Love you loose” …
(Tears falling out from eyes) how fool I’m … mmm … fool …

(by wiping the tears) don’t compromise if you are not dare enough, it’ll make other coward, reserved … wired … (by wiping the tears smiles) … (whispered) don’t do that … (Walked towards the mirror, staring own face).

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Sweet Nightmare! waiting for another

I was in the local train, sitting after a seat near by window, traveling with my roommate. He is standing out of my sight.

Dad asking me, “what are you up to?”

Me “plan to do further courses, to build up my career”

“are you sure?”


“don’t regret once you on half way. If you start then finish it don’t give up”

“mmm” I replied.

I turned other side for sight seeing. A small boy, with tinny eyes, holding a bag tightly came and sat on the same seat. I smiled at him, that boy too.

I asked “you came alone? Where is your father?”

“no” and pointed his hand somewhere behind.

He asked me “where is your father?”

“he past away… long back”

“oh… with whom you were talking... sometime before”

“That’s my father”

Passengers sitting behind my seats started murmuring by looking me strangely. After few seconds he left the seat. After few minutes of travel, I got down in some station. I know that is not exact destination where I have to get down. Phone rings, my roommate on line.

“ai, where are you, that is not…”

Before he finish, I interrupted, “yeah! I know, you just go n finish your shopping. I’ll come to room… mmm.. bye”

Without waiting for his reply I cut.

I had seen a mother and her son standing on road side, where few other boys eating pizzas find all over streets. That mom held her son’s arm tightly to avoid him from picking those pizzas. He pleased her with his eyes. She said no by nodding her head right to left and by opening her eyes wide.

I was standing in some border of something; I can feel that I should not cross it.

Suddenly I woke up from dream. I again closed my eyes. I feel a hand on my legs. That must be my dad. I tried to call him.

“no need to say anything” only I heard these words.

I felt his presence till dawn. I had gone to deep sleep after many days. I woke up in the morning I was very fresh, the calendar was showing the day, that was exactly eight years and one month old; from the day he left me alone. I’m still waiting for him, like to talk many things.

dad please come today, wanna talk I’m struggling. I can’t breath let we chat today… will you? mmm

Monday, July 12, 2010

Virginity vs. Nothing!

This is only ma thoughts. I shared with my friends often. First I planned to give title as virginity vs. purity. But I feel only when two things are really equal and to find which one is the best we go for versus. Here virginity is nothing so there is no purity can compare with it.

In US people celebrate prom night that is the night maximum number of people loose their virginity. That is their last day of school or collage life. Might they marry same fellow or not but that day they loved each other.

Test for this virginity is being done only for women there is no test to find a men to be a virgin (as I searched I can’t find, if you knew let me know). People test that with hymen. This is like a screen in the women organ. If it’s present that women is virgin if not she is not virgin. Fine that’s good. As I said earlier when there is no test can prove a man to be a virgin, we should not do it for women.

Everything in this universe is created with purpose, even this universe. If our earth is 1/5 distance away from the place it is being, no creature can live in that chillness. Same distance if it placed towards sun we can not heal that heat. We all have to live so it was placed here rightly. Purpose is resolving everyday, I believe.
So what is the purpose of hymen?
This is to protect from virus or bacteria come through urinary organs while they cleaning the organs. It prevents the virus/bacteria from entering into the womb.

What if once she had sex?
Anyone should/will have sex only if they are matured enough, so she is matured enough to be safe when cleaning their organs.

All I say is purpose of hymen is not to prove one girl is virgin.

Expect your partner to loves you… love you now. Not anything else. When expect nothing, there’ll be no disappointments.

I remember a question from well known classmate “then why you want to be virgin?”
My reply is “what I do if my girl expects me to be virgin?”

Whatever I can think and write, but I’ve to respect her thoughts anyway. ‘Cause she is my girl!

Love you ma princess.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Don't Disturb Please!

I shouldn't have met her. But why she is called me often. She disturbed me so much. I went that day to meet her. I don’t want to meet her in crowd.

First I seen her in train, local train, too crowded. I didn't talk to her. Quietly I watched her. She stood near door. Balancing in one hand and messaging to someone, she is very excited and smiling for every message. I thought might be her friend… boy friend.

She went to temple. I waited outside. But I can watch her. She walked step by step, where her each step she kept very near by near, might be for some wish. After a few minutes of prayer she sat for a minute and came out of temple. She dialed some number,

"loose, I thought you’ll come to temple… but …."

I didn't hear what the answer she received from other side.

She then "oh… okay… so that office is more important then me… poda..."

By talking this she crossed the road and again she got in to train. She then took an auto, I followed her.

Already it became dark, so I guessed that she is on the way to her home. My instinct was right. At last I found her home. I waited outside, I was little bit nervous. Too many question I asked to myself. What I do if she shout. What I do if say I didn’t do that or I don’t know… or anything else… by thinking all those I started walking to the staircase.

I was near a room, I heard her voice, might be she, she said,

"just try de… what will happen, try to call him, even last Saturday I and machi tried to call him, you only having that board right?"

I lost my sense, I entered into her room. I just stood in front of her. She scared and even she can't able to shout first, then she started screaming and tried to get off from the bed. I pulled and slapped her. Her mom came inside with anxiety.

I vanished!

Yeah! I shouldn't do that. I behaved too rude to her. I'm feeling sorry for that. If someone meets her please convey my sorry to her.

This is for you "DON'T DISTURB ME please!" ...

Friday, July 2, 2010

Night After YOU Left ME!

Night by 9 I reached my room. I opened the locked door. It’s dark in and out. No one was there to greet me. I said ‘hi’ to the darkness and entered into the room. I locked the door from inside. Still it was dark; no sound other than my foot step. I changed my cloths and entered in to bathroom, still darkness remains same. I opened the tap; only sound of that water occupied the whole room.

I dried my face with towel. Came into living room I sat on that easy chair. Chair made some noise. Still it was dark. I didn’t felt to switch on lights. Darkness remains as same as I entered the room. Room was full of silence. I was not clear about what I have to think. Again I got up from the chair. It sounds again. I took a shower for fifteen minutes. I came out with all wet. I didn’t even take towel. I sat on the same chair.

What I searched in darkness? Nothing I was searching. Just thinking about what I lost. Why I’m still… I know I spent days with smiles and sounds long way. This is my time to be with my silence. My eyes were not closed. All I decided is ‘No more tears for the same reason again and again’. I felt myself as a stupid.

I’m struggling to swim in the dead ocean. I fell because I felt you are in it, without even realizing that I don’t know to swim. Once I jumped into it I found what I seen was just your image on that clear dead ocean. You are still on the shore and smiling at me. I sank many times and came out. After few struggling I looked at your side you were not there. All I remember now is your last smile.

This was not a dream but it is.

I went in front of the mirror. Not clear image I seen in that darkness, I seen dark shade in my face. I stared at myself. No change I found except the bald head. I want to be bald to remind myself not to thing and not to forget.

Friday, June 25, 2010

still I’m not retired

That’s Friday morning. I was still on bed. Something I missed to start that day. Yeah! Muah from my girl. Every day she kisses my forehead before she leaves bed. I wonder what happened today. I opened my eyes and searched her. She is again gone to her twenties. I found her running here and there, hmmm.. I smelled nice aroma. I forgot, our child is coming tomorrow.

I teased her “Oye.. old lady for what you are running without bothering this gentleman”

She scolded “what you want me to do now. I prepared chapattis for you. Have it soon. Don’t disturb me.”

My child is coming after a year so she is excited a bit, no to the core.

I found her hang up on cardboard, I shouted and came towards her “ai… what are you doing, why you are now hanging up there”

She replied in pity voice “I need that vessel to prepare sweets”

Smiled and said “my loose… you are now 60… get down… get down… let me take it”

In sarcastic voice she replied “oh you youngster, are you still 22 for your information you are also 59… hmmm”

We both smiled and I tried to reach up and took that vessel were she balanced the stool. I saw fear in her eyes. More than when she is up.

She is ready with a list and started to read.

“this for son-in-law, she always says that he loves my preparation and this for bingo, she loves rava laddu, ven pongal for my child”

I saw a childish smile, same as when I proposed her. I felt my girl still…

She vanished and I found her in kitchen.

Almost evening, my girl called us through phone, they are supposed to start. Though many times even she gone there and came back alone too. She is still advised them how to sit, stand and get down.

I thought she is still my kid. But when she is advising her own kid, I laughed to myself.

I commented her, “better you try for airhostess job my princess”

“at this age you want me to go”

“so what you are still gorgeous then teens my love”

“hmmm.. poda loose”

Don’t what it’s but every time she said poda I grow younger. This is retired life after done with every thing, fulfilling all my responsibility. Living in the hands of a girl we love at 60 is heavenly life.

That whole night she scheduled everything, where and all can take her grand daughter to.
She revised it more than twenty times. She gasped suppose of talking.

At last Saturday has come. We were ready to receive them. I heard the news of that acceded in flash news. We rushed to airport. I can describe it as war field. Full of fire, sound of cry, human eyes are with tears and hands full of blood.

She held my hands tightly. I enquired a policeman; he responds calmly, “please you people wait out of sight sirs.”

I removed her hold and walked towards the ambulance. That was she, my kid and her man. Beside I kept my eye on my princess. She is searching me in that crowd. I controlled my tears and I hold her hands and walked towards outside. She stared at me. I knew what she likes to ask.

A reporter shown mike towards my face,
“where are you from sir, do you like to add comment about this accident. Did you lost any… anything”

I supposed to say “everything” but disparately I turned other side I noticed a little girl standing near a fire engine with tearful eyes. I ran towards her and keen in front of her and hugged tightly for a minute then took her up. She was nerves.

She asked me “thatha, why mom thrown me out of flight. Where is daddy?”

I hugged her tightly and holed my girl’s hand. She tightens the hold.

That moment I felt ‘still I’m not retired. We have to grow up with her.’ I kissed our bingo and finds way to hospital. All the way I heard,

If the airport authorities had helicopters at their disposal then some more lives could have been saved. Even the fire engines took time to reach the crash site, and that also compounded the problem,”

A reporter said “A 2006 safety audit by the International Civil Aviation Organization listed India as worst on “technical personnel qualification and training”.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

அவள் மனம் புரியாத இவன்.

ஒரு நாள்...

அவளே வந்தா,

என்னென்னமோ சொன்னா ஒன்னும் புரியல...

ஆனா நான் தான் வேணும்னு சொல்றானு தெருஞ்சது...

அப்படியே விழுந்துடேன்!!!

அப்பறம் ஒரு நாள், மறுபடியும்...

ஏதேதொ சொன்னா ஒன்னும் புரியல..

ஆனா வேண்டாம்னு மட்டும் சொல்றானு தெருஞ்சது!!!

எதோ கத்தில குத்தின மாதிரி இருந்தது...

இரத்தம் வரல... ஆனா கண்ல மட்டும் இன்னும் தண்ணி நிக்கவே இல்ல..

-- அவள் மனம் புரியாத இவன்.

Friday, June 18, 2010

What you like to call it as?
Still I don’t know…

Thursday, noon. I’m in office. Not much work but having something to do. Now days I’m not talking to her. She got committed and things gone very worst. I felt there is no mean in talking to her. Every time she used to say “go away from me”. So I thought it’s better to keep myself away from her. All I asking to myself is that how she is ready to leave me all alone and … what else… after she left me. Nothing is there to ask. I can’t say that we just loved. We were in relationship, that’s what I felt. Not in physical relationship.. But we were more comfort in all things. What I can say, now I’m in break up or divorcee or she ditched me.

Suddenly something interrupted.

That’s my mobile vibration sound.

“one new message received”

My instinct said that it should be her. I opened it.
“you know wat. I’m in hospital now”

I was confused that I should reply or have to be quite. But situation wins here. I replied,

“what happened?”

“don’t know I vomited everything I ate and found that blood was mixed in it. Mom got scared and came to hospital.”

I really didn’t understand. My fingers are not ready to type anything in my keyboard. I can’t sit anymore in my desk then I went to pantry. I made call to her. She picked immediately.

“What happened da” I asked with anxious.

“nothing” usual answer.

“ai, please … “

“Nothing da. Few drops of blood were found in that. Unfortunately mom seen that and she was scared and asked dad to take me to the hospital.”

“why it’s …” I don’t know what to ask.

Now I moved form pantry to staircase.

She laughed and “mmm.. don’t know da. We checked. Doctor said that everything is normal. It’s better to scan my head. Don’t know exactly. I said you right? I’m a defect piece.” She laughed again.

“don’t lie loose. Please tell me the truth” I insist her.

“Hmmm… so you don’t believe me right? dei, have to do scan then they’ll confirm it. Even dad went to pay for scan. Might be like brain tuber or brain cancer”

“Tell me which hospital you are in?” I asked.

“dei.. Please don’t come please” she pleased.

“okay I’m not, just asked that’s it” I replied calmly.

Few seconds of silence…

I remembered few months back, time we were just friends, I was in my hometown in middle of usual conversation in chat she said that she felt that something bad is going to happen to her. Even astrologer predicted that some strange will happen to her equal to the pain of death.’ I said to console her that ‘nothing will happen to you until I’m with you. She asked ‘then don’t go anywhere by leaving me alone’. I said heartily that ‘I’ll be with you forever.’ She replied for that ‘so finally I could hear some sweet things from you’. I said ‘nothing sweet or salt.’ She angrily replied ‘Poda pissasu you are simply restricting yourself from everything. Never see me as your princess. Be as you are. I won’t fall for you don’t worry.’

She breaks the silence,


I “Hmmm”

“I just lied da. Chumma apdi. We just came for his eye test. I thought that you’ll get into tears. But you are strong.”

“oh... podi” really I feel relaxed.

Then she continued,

“But if whatever I said was true then I can ask my daddy that I want to marry you as my last wish. He’ll surely say okay right? I can live with you.. hmmm... "
Now couple of tears rolled out and dropped down. ... "Daddy has come. Okay bye da” she whispered and cuts the call.

I remember her message few days back when we met n said good bye to each other,

“The moment I saw u, I forget myself,
The moment I held your hands, I forget myself,
The moment u held my hands, I thought y I shouldn’t be only yours.
With last bit of tears saying good bye to you.
Loads of love and kisses your princess”

Love after Sorry
She is still sleeping on my chest

Hi all,

It was fine Monday, but not for me.. Since my childhood this might be a worst day..

Now its evening, everything frustrates me to the core, ‘why I’m responsible and answering for someone’s mistake’. Even in cab desk till I’m not getting cab properly.. Have to say the day started with her “MUAH”. Then I didn’t forget to see the last page of my diary in my office. Hmmm.. Once she wrote her name and followed by mine.. That time we were working together.. Everything was fine when I started..

I reached home, I can hear her voice, and I was up to taking off my shoes.

“You know what..”

‘Something she is starting now’ (mind voice) I know I can’t hear those things I interrupted “what is for dinner”

“mmmm, nothing..”

“Nothing, why can’t you inform me before I reach”

“dei I started something I want to finish”

“But I asked why you haven’t start.. Preparing dinner”

“You want your dinner right??, you care nothing”


She is still in kitchen, for this reply I expected something more.. But she is silent..

She “today I went to market I saw my mom, she is still angry with me”

She started..

“oh.. What she told then”


“you are feeling for nothing”

“… … even you shouted for nothing… when I said nothing for dinner.. You… …”

“on that day, you know how your father scolded me, do you think I’ll forget all those things”

“Why you are talking about past now”

“Past?? Oh.. Something happened to me, it’s nothing to talk, for you even though nothing I’ve to pamper”

“PRADEEP” she shouted my name and came out of kitchen.. I can feel that she is standing behind me.. But I didn’t see her face..

“What?? You’ll feel for nothing then I’ve to pamper you every day.. Do you marry me to pamper you?”

“My mom and her angry is nothing for you”

“Oh yeah for you your parent’s angry is worth so much then you’ve to marry that angry not me”

“DAI” she shouted but I can feel something in that dai..

I turned towards her.. She got tears..

I stared her and knee on sofa and lifted her hands up and start hitting me with her hands.. No reaction from her..

“dei loose sorry da” by saying this I pulled her to me and wee fall in sofa.. She is on my lap..

“Loose please, sorry, tell me what happened”

“mmm.. nothing.. What happen to you” she asked by playing with my shirt button..

“Nothing da.. I’m okay.. Tell me what happened to my princess”

“Sorry” she replied then she stared telling what happened..

I can still remember that fellow, actually her father wants him to be his son in law.. Yeah not as her husband because that is his wish about her life.. Her father made him to come in to her life.. He is like psycho.. Later her father come to know about him.. He realized he did a blunder.. But he started torturing her through messages She forwarded his messages, it was horrible.. Where she didn’t tell to her parents.. Because she thought they might feel guilty..

Then it’s obvious.. I mean about her father’s angry.. Who can tolerate, when someone taking such angel away from them..

Even now she used to call that fellow and talk.. To be frank I admired such things..

Only just one year I can say we got married, now I’m 28. I believe before second year anniversary her parents angry will go away else at least must go little bit down..

She slept.. By lying on my chest..

I whispered “loose … … loose”

She tried to open her eyes and said “mmm”

I said in whisper “I love you”

“poda” she closed her eyes again..

After few second she opened her eyes and said “me too” and tried to reach my lips.. Suddenly she stopped and said “no, I won’t give, and then you’ll say that I jabbed you”

We both stared each other for few seconds..

I bend and we hold each others for few minutes..

She asked “hungry??”

I nodded my head..

That moment I felt like I can answer for everyone’s mistake, I need no cab.. i can remember a quote ‘you are blessed to be stressed’

I want to be blessed to frustrate to the core daily..

Who is enjoying life??

Hi all,

If you say that you have no smoking or drinking habit..
Comments on you are “Hey, are you youngster?”
“Why you are not enjoying life?
“Don’t waste your life”
“Don’t restrict yourself”


In this universe the water is in many forms, and they gives you pleasure,

Whenever I feel lonely this blue water gives me pleasure. A day I can spend on seeing that blue water. Usually I share all my things, sorrow, happiness, wishes and everything with that.

Time I went out to see my dear that clouds showered on me, that water gives me pleasure.

My friends made me to laugh and bring tears, that water gives me pleasure.

When I say good bye to someone they hold my hands and say “I gonna miss you” with tears, that water makes me proud.

Pleasure given by rotten water,

Don't even say that YOU people are enjoying the life... when in real YOU people doesn't even now what's happening around you at that time... How can say you are enjoying the life... This is not a real pleasure, YOU people are hiding yourself from trouble for few hours or a day. You people get courage only when you booze. We all are always… who is facing troubles are really living… only who is living can enjoy.