July 2011

One of the best months I spent so far in my journey. It never allowed writing or thinking about my past. To be more particular, in this month I myself came to know how workaholic I am. Yes, the additional responsibility I took, temporarily, made me so. There are longest nights in my life so far, this would be a longest month, I can say.


Even in school days I never touch my books on Sundays if Saturday is working day. But now I worked on Saturday and even Sunday in office and home as well. A thing, which always pinches my head, was gone a bit away. No doubts in that, because there is no post I made. Many times I lost my temper, no matter, however my pals know me.


More then 12 hours I spent in office and two to two and half hours on travel. Almost 8 hours 
I sleep, which never enough. I lost outside contacts, had no idea about daily news. Apart from usual hours, mobile slept a lot. I avoided picking up calls since I don’t want to hear anything good or bad, whatever.


Many dreams at night, I remember nothing but very few. I was in school, cycling, sight seeing and a face of princess. I used to think about last night dreams while I’m in cab.
I think again this is my time to access myself. I felt a change with me, it might be good or need to get back. If it is good then I need to practice to keep it with me.


Desperate need is my mom’s lap, to sleep for a while at least.

school Time Story!

Happened before 10 years, at my IX standard, after a combined class of history our section fellows left the class room. On the way to my section, one of my friend said “she looked you merely throughout an hour”.

I asked him ‘who?’, he left after saying her name. But I really don’t know who that girl is. ‘cause that’s how I was in those days. I had no much contact with girls. All day I listened at the girls talk, I expected at least one to call that name, no one did till lunch hour. I can’t eat. But before that evening I found her. Even I don’t know the spelling for her name those days, every day I took the register and I read her spelling of her name.

As usual I started hating Saturdays n Sundays, public holidays. I loved to go school on Saturdays. Every day I followed her, as like a guard, only after she went in to her home, I drove my cycle fast. On February 14^th, my cleaver friend felt something strange in my behaviour. My fortunate I got him as a friend, ‘cause he was the best student on those days. His unfortunate, I can say, ‘cause I usually fail in at least a subject. If I concentrate in physics n scored, no more, 40%, I know in maths my score will be 25. ooops! What else again it’s ‘F’ grade.

On the same day, we were sitting in ground, our maths teacher was correcting our midterm test papers, he called my name n asked me ‘you know what you’ve scored in this test?’

As usual I blinked twice n kept looking at him without opening my mouth. He answered himself for his question ‘you scored 45 out of 100’ added more ‘Good, but try to get 60’. I was so happy for that mark. Very next paper was that girl’s, she scored around 90, and she was not happy. Mean while I said things to him.

Cleaver friend smiled at me. He said, “hmm.. Let you do like this, see how much she scored. Try to reach her level, once you reached then you can propose.”

I dropped the plan of Feb 14. But daily I follow her.

One day, after school, she was talking with two of my classmates. I remember what I heard, one among them proposed her few days back. But she refused.

When I went a bit closer; I heard something other fellow was saying, “he is not studying as before, even you know his score previous year n this year”.

Yes, even I know, he’s a good competitor to my cleaver friend in studies n now he’s opponent to me too.

That fellow continued again, ‘he started to booze. Not concentrating in studies, I think you need to ask him why?’

‘Damn, me? Why should I want to ask him, that’s his fate? He should concentrate on his own studies. What can I do? Let me know what he hell I did? If I was in her position I would have replied so.

Now I was very much eager to know her reply.

She turned her eye sight to him (for sure if I was there, I never looked that person) and with a gentle smile she started this way,

“Is it true?”

Oops! that’s really strange n unexpected for me at that age. With gentle tone she started about life, career, n love.

Even then I followed her all the way; I keep sending invitations to accept me as a friend in all the social networks she logged in (before even she knows what is that site is all about). I sent too many emails, she responded to none of them. I really didn’t know when I can propose her. For sure she will ask me at least four questions. I may answer three or I can convince her. I know any one of her question will stuck n throw me down, I mean on those days. Now I can go forward, but I don’t want to disturb her. Many things happened in my life; may be in her life too. I still love her maturity and the way she handled that thing. Recently I apologized for my behaviour. She replied

 ‘There is nothing to ask apology.’

How many emails I sent? How many comments I posted? Everything did nothing!!!? ;)

College Zone!

In office, in front of system, heard a conversation between few people,

‘How much you paid as a term fees for your daughter?’ one asked.

Other answered, ‘paid twenty thousand as a term fees and thirty five thousand as donation’.

Another one, ‘Donation huh?’

‘mmm! She didn’t cleared the interview, so … management seat… thirty thousand …’

I know his daughter was three plus years. Interviewing a child, who is learning to speak even. Education system was getting worse and worse every year.

This was happened at my third semester first examination day. No exam tension, I never had since my board exams. Time reached 7.00 A.M. myself and my roommate urged to get the university bus, every bus crossing us was fully occupied and a last by 7.20 A.M we got in to a bus, sorry we travelled in a footboard. After a safety journey, we reached the university, as usual I saw last minute rushes. I bought a pen, black and brown sketches, a scale and my ID. Of course hall ticket I should have brought that, but I haven’t received.

Almost 8.00 A.M I reached the department office, I saw few people standing out side with the books on their hands. I met my faculty,

‘wait outside, we yet to receive instructions from office’ this is the reply I got.

Nothing was in my mind at that time, very few boys and a girl, her eyes were wet and red. She buried her head in to the book to avoid others eyes. Boys’ faces were upset. I heard laughing sound from department. I thought this might be a very usual thing happening every semester.

Time reached 8.25 A.M, that girl dropped her book and sat by dragging herself on the wall, boys occupied the entrance since no faculty allowed them inside, they started giving the oral promises, that they will pay the fees by this evening, some by tomorrow. Some had shown the hot cash that they are had at that moment. Faculty came out side and announced,

‘who all are holding cash or cheque or D.D for fee, come inside and collect your hall tickets and rush to exam hall immediately’.

Many entered into the department eagerly, a faculty shouted as ‘not everyone, only who is holding cash right now … not everyone’.

Last fellow came out and exhaled and ran out. Only very few were standing. Nothing was I’m holding to show them, but wish of my dad I remembered at that moment,

‘you should not go for second attempt in any study, I got failed in maths in my first board exam. That time I don’t want to go for second attempt. You should not take any chance’.

This is the wish as a dad he asked me, no other wish I remember still. I felt that I gonna miss my words. Almost 8.40 A.M, one ma’am came out and whispered to me,

‘they asked us to allow you all to write exam after half an hour, you just prepare for exam’ and she left.

After 9.05 A.M they allowed us to go exam hall, exam hall was at least half kilo meter from department office. Everybody ran out as soon as they asked, no allowed us to write an exam. I walked as still I have more time then any other. But in real everybody had 3.00 hours for the same question paper but we had less then two and half hours.

At last I saved my words. But the question in my mind still is, are they doing service or business. If they agreed that they are doing business not service, still I have a question.

I remember same incident happed in school days. But that time they didn’t allowed because of not paying the current term fees. That’s a fair business. Here we were there to write third semester examination, they punished us for not paying the fourth semester fees, this is not a fair business. I can respect my school as a good trader at least. Thinking about the university, under which manner I can respect them. Hope they are not expecting such thing.

I likely to say, do what ever, service or business. Don’t cover it up with other.

Thank You 2010!

2010... Whatever, it’s the best part of my life. Many years I travelled with a smile n cry as a part, still 2010 is more special among everything. I started with perplexity, by searching a certainty. Huge part of misery happened from very beginning. actually was continued at the begining. Best part is, still it’s there.

Too many explanations, promises, eventual words n tears. Tears rolled out unkowingly, even in a crowded train, in auto without any hesitation.

It's hard to find someone who can cry like us for our problem, when we know that we should let them go, that's more hard to make it with smile. This is one among the reason for reserve. In very second month I can feel the distance, but on grace(!) it was confirmed on third month.

Remain reserved for 5 months, bald even. No calls, meet no one. Connected all the dots. Office... Room.. movie.. Sleep.. Cry.. Connect.. Movie.. again office.. room. Nothing there to blame, it happened. All the dots were connected, still few remains unconnected, called exceptions.

Everyone dream about everything, company included. I got into such a company. That too happened like an accident. Can say it's a gift of 'SOMEONE'. To avoid meeting with 'someone' I engaged myself.

Still 2010 Gave me many things, brought me many moments after long, long time.

Had Pannir soda after 10 yrs, Thanks Suren!

Crab after 15 yrs, Thanks Packi!

And got reply from a girl, I adore first, that too after 8 yrs… Thanks for (your) reply!

My Mom crossed her 50th birthday, Never free your hold from me maa.

Cried like anything for many days, after 7yrs.. Nothing there to blame anyONE!

Too many trips, Kallaar, Ooty, Yercaud-Ooty, Kumbakonam-srivanjiyam, n at last our spot ''DEAD END'.

Then this is the third year end I'm speading with my best buddy Suren.

Got too many usual reason for, usual S-mileeee…!!!!

Too many things, loads n loads of stuff, kinda finishing a 5yrs course in a year ;)
Thanks 2010…

On Her Birthday!

Today is her birthday. I’m … sorry we are still in a bed, nothing fishy; I came late from office yesterday. Even last morning I planned to be on time but I missed ‘cause of my work. Strange thing is I received not even a single call from her to remind me. She is still in deep sleep. I want to make something to surprise her.

Still remember her first birthday since we met … mmm .. But at that time we were just below as friends and a point above as strangers. At office a day before her birthday, she came and said that ‘tomorrow is my birthday, will you get me some chocolates’

I was like to ask ‘why should I?’

But she continued not even waiting for my answer ‘without nuts, I’m in diet. Will you? You should’

I smiled at her by nodding.

She continued again, ‘will you call me at 12, … … … ‘cause I like people wishing on  12’

What I can say, again with the same smile I nodded again.

‘mmm’ she said with that smile. I still remember that smile.

I knew few guys proposed her and one who tortured her by messaging daily to accept his proposal. I’m wondering still why this girl wants to be a friend of me. I remember nothing special I did to her since our first meet.

Now, cot is bit disturbing, I think she is awake. I turn around to her side, we are facing our faces close enough.

I, ‘sorry da’

With a smile, ‘mmm… then’

‘then… tell me what I can do for my princess on this special day’

by inhaling deeply and moved her hair back 'you're doing daily'

'Daily?? what??'

‘Why you are doing clean shave daily, even shaving your mustache?’

‘what?’

‘Why-don’t-you-have-mustache’

I reach her lips by holding her hands tightly down. Without any option she tried to push 
me with her lips. A minute … again other … one another … I let her free.

I ‘hope you got the answer’

‘poda, you are killing me’

This is the sentence she used to say since my first kiss. I said nothing ‘cause after that I’m dead always like a male spider.

‘okay loose, sorry I really missed’

‘nothing to say, you always do this even before marriage. You usually miss my call and you never used to call me.’

‘You should have called me yesterday’

By looking at me merely, she puts her hands on my cheek and wipes my lips with thumb, 

‘I born everyday now, every minute is special.’

I kissed her forehead. What precious I can gift to this precious? Her words really have its meaning, ‘you are killing me’ and ‘I born every day now’.