Never Sacrifice!

I remember once after proposal and acceptance we met in a restaurant to talk further. She asked me to take non-vegetarian meal though she doesn't like but I refused n took veg. After meal while we were returning she asked me, ‘why you didn't take non-veg meal... are you sacrificing your preference for me?’

‘Ah! Is it so?’

‘Hmmm’

‘Alright, if I offer you an apple n ice cream what will you choose?’

‘mmm... of course I go for ice cream’

‘huh, so you sacrifice an apple, don’t you?

‘Hey.. no, it’s... ... !’

Before she completes, ‘That’s how... I didn't n 'll never sacrifice anything for you.. .... I choose you out of everything...’

Best Judge!

In a social network at the time when most of the people are talking about Sachin Tendulkar retirement I came across a note comparing him with Imran Khan, as Sachin Tendulkar built own house for millions and billions where Imran built free cancer institution. After reading this note something stroked me, we all are earning enough have we ever compared ourselves with Mr.Kalayanasundaram, a librarian who donated his 30 years salary and even his pension amount to needy.

As most of us would have no idea about who is Mr.Kalayanasundaram.. Please click here..

Have we ever tried to donate something from our every month salary? We would have 150 CC or 180 CC bikes which may cost 80K or 90K. Why is that we haven’t gone for XL super which cost only less than 20 thousand. So the rest we could have donated. So when we compare ourselves with Kalayanasundaram we should not even celebrate festivals and even our birthdays.

Here this man Sachin Tendulkar he worked for his passion and he achieved something that may take century to reach for anyone. So his retirement is celebrated by most of the cricket lovers. Then they are recognizing a player and this is not an event for social service and in that event Imran Khan may get better applause then Sachin and moreover we don’t know what Sachin Tendulkar contributed to needy.

We easily say they are wrong and these are right but we never judge ourselves and that’s the time we go completely wrong.  Every night we will not sleep as soon as we fall on bed (to sleep). It would be better if we recall the whole day from morning till the time we fell on bed what we have done and what went rightly and what really went wrong, what is our contribution to those beautiful right moments and the wrong moments instead of thinking anything.

Most importantly we should forgive ourselves for the mistakes we have did and very most important is make sure that we should never repeat the same mistake.

SETTLED PERFECTLY

This blog could lead you to think like usual thought of one who gets into new job or new company, however really not if you experienced what I was earlier and somehow still. I thought of writing this on very first day of my induction that was February 1^st 2013. Due to some reasons I’m making it today.

At my first day of induction in there was a session by the director of that whole tower. I always see every induction as bullshit, because usually they all say about their hard works and achievements and what they’re expecting from new joiners. Here in that 45 minutes that man told or correctly highlighted this,

“If I ask what makes you to think about Shell then most of them would answer like pay. You know what comparatively here pay is lesser than my previous employers. But I’m here for around fifteen years. The reason behind is...

Okay... mmmm... I’ve two daughters. Earlier when anyone asks me how big is your daughter? I show like this (he stretched his hand horizontally). After joining Shell when anyone asks me the same question my answer is like? (He stretched his hand vertically). Yes that’s what happened in my pervious organization. In a thought of learning, getting promotion and things I work till late night so I just see my daughter while she was sleeping. When she woke up I’d be sleeping. But here, Shell taught me work like balance. Now I’m growing with my daughters, along with them. So if I see anyone working after working hours I’ll ask what really makes them to sit? Alright at some point everyone need to stretch, even I sit for 12 to 13 hours. But not often, then on very next day I work for only 5 or 6 hours. I’ll take some breaks to balance it.”

All I remember is that was November 30^th. Instead of four day close we are instructed to finish it all in a single day. We tried hard and we’re almost done. We were in office by 6am and the time was 12.30am that mean midnight, exactly next day. Where we see no exchange rates were updated on system so I told let we all leave and tomorrow is being weekend we can finish it all by then. But they made us to wait till 1.30am then we finished everything and left by 6.30am (That is December 1^st). Without even any questions they want all of us to come back by that noon to review our own work. We all came there and reviewed.

Then on that week I let the team to take some more breaks than usual. What else then they called our whole team and started teaching how to manage break timings. This is not just a one day story happened there every month we have to stay there for at least 16 to 17 hours during month close and at least two to three days every week. If anyone leaves on time, I mean on time, after 8 hours they will hear ‘hey, how is that you’re leaving early?’

Here now, when I stretch my senior is asking is that you’re overloaded if so report that too team manager immediately else your team manager would be in a trouble.  I could see lot of differences between these two organizations.

Once one of Assistant Manager took a girl mobile and asked her to unlock it and he commented dressings of that girl’s friend to her. I asked that girl to take that to HR department and at last the story ended like I created that story to impress that girl. I wonder how is that she‘ll impressed on me by making some manager a slut. If I really want to impress I’d have impressed her parents or her friends at least, that story really make no sense to me. Further to this that fellow broke into my office laptop and stole my personal data and shared with his team fellows who raised complaints against him. Just by thinking like I asked them to do. What really makes wonder is even we proved everything management took no action against him. But they told they had taken action but even now I could see someone is logging into my personal email ID with my old laptop. That’s sounds really great.

Here now, while writing some induction test I crossed this question,

What you’ll do if you’re seeing that something is not in order?

Options were A. I forget what I saw B. I contact conflict of interest team immediately C. I try to understand it better before I complaint D. If it’s nothing to with my work I forget.

I thought the apt answer would be C. But its B they say.

Actually option B was I did, without even asking or investigating I just shown a way to that girl to complaint. But in return action was taken against me and on that girl. Victims and evidence were brutally punished and the real accused fellow is guarded well there.

Finally here we celebrate family day yearly once, there we had one day to talk about values that too with drinks. I never say no one should ever booze if you want to booze, go ahead but my concern is about the freshers and mostly towards those who are staying away from their family. Are they intend to teach them how to booze. GM or Director of that corporate may be a role model of any fresher there. When they drunk and dance that moment will obviously pull those people to drink. It may be the freshers ignorance we say. What if your dad drink and smoke in front of their own children. Managers are in the position of their parents thought their role is to get the work done still they are. Matter of fact this habit may suitable for the western countries as per their weather conditions. What is the purpose of those alcoholic drinks here in 88°F.

What else to say more about... Below picture is a screenshot of an email I received officially from my current organization.

Rainy Independence Day

Morning ... August 15, 2013... Raining...

This rainy Independence Day pushed me to grow younger. I remember my school days, may be patriotism, I always want to go school on Independence Day but not my mom. We have parade on morning by 8am followed by that there will be speech competition then dance, price distribution and last sweet distribution. Hardly 4 hours.

I believe that should be on ninth standard, mean 15^th August 2000, and was raining heavily. My brother told like he’s not going to attend the school. My mom was looking at me. I smiled and told like I want to go. She shouted, ‘yes, he’s the chief guest. Without him nothing will happen in school. See, nobody goes only he’s going to hoist the flag. Go, you’ll find a board in front of your school gate saying no function today due to rain. Just for one to two hours you want to spoil that white shirt and shoe’.

By hearing all those words I just prepared myself to go school. By the time she stopped shouting or maybe just by seeing me in white shirt.

I went, no board was there and all my friends were there in parade line. I joined in that again a wonderful day.

But last weekend I asked my friend ‘you've holiday next week?’ he surprised me by asking ‘for what?’

I told this incident to my assistant manager, he gave me a shock by saying when his daughter told she has holiday on next week his reply was like is it for republic day.

I'm not saying this new BPO, MNC industries are changing us. We have some event or at least an email wishing Happy Independence Day. But it’s us forgetting our own days just by running behind money. We are marketing our knowledge on where we get good price, may be by working on BPO or MNC or working in abroad. So it’s our responsibility to keep our things safe to present that to our own next generation, nothing to blame our customers. Learn work life balance and know to differentiate work from life. Work is to earn n life is not only to live, it’s your responsible to design it.

THIS IS MY LIFE!

Remember...
I cry

They may say that I’m missing beautiful life

I go mad

They may worry

I cry, I worry, I go mad but I know...

That I’m crying,

I’m worrying

I'm mad

There is hell of happiness in every corner of my cry

Though they try nobody can reach it

Don't pry in my life

This is my life!

After every whack I still stand

Don’t pretend my feelings

I never mind if you’re not understand

Though my sky s falling down I build it again

I’m not guzzler but hustler

This is my life!

They see me by being in their life

All the time I’m not standing with knife

I may be wounded but...

I hound my dreams, still it’s in my eyes

I shattered at times

But I’m not broken

So soon I can’t be better after bettered

I’m not shy n can’t sly

If I feel I’ll cry

HAPPILY ...

THIS IS MY LIFE!

You Taught Me!

I've slept on your chest till twelve

I was scared at the crowded bus

Holding your hands always brings the courage

I have seen the love between you and mom

Not any cinema taught me to love my girl.. It’s you...

Every morning mom kisses you on your forehead

I see n blush

You notice me.. Hit me on head n laugh

You know that I love you.. But

I’ve never told you that I too love chocolates

I love if you get me before I get into the school bus

I love jeans... but I’ve never asked you one...

I knew how much you struggled to pay my school fees...

I know I was not even loyal to that

I fail... I fail... I fail...

I have never met your expectation...

I score below average

At that age I can’t earn

So I caged all my wishes..

The day you left us all alone

More than in tears I was in a fear whole day

I felt like everyone around there was to whack me

Until I never knew that we have been paying for the electricity we use

About telephone bills we paid...

I have to take care maa.. All I promised to myself that day!

I know you won’t light up when I’m in dark

You have taught me to light up the dark...

What’s there inside?

These days whenever I feel like eating chocolate or ice creams I go for it, no matter that’s lunch time or dinner, whatever. Even in my refrigerator at least for 4 days a week there will be chocolates, coke or Miranda, biscuits and on freezer ice creams, kulfis.

I’m not stuffing those to give to some neighbour kids or to celebrate some day with friends. As like everyday grocery I purchase those and I eat. I might forget to purchase the weekly grocery items but not those stuffs.

Why is that I'm more particular about those chocos and ice creams?

All I remember is on my school days every morning while waiting for our school bus most of my friends come with their dad or mom. All they get is candy, before the school bus reach us their parents run away to get them. I always move far away from them on that time, I never let them to ask me ‘can I get one for you too?’

In school, we have a store like stationary and as well the chocolates. In every break friends go there to buy chocolates, everybody there have their own turn to treat everyone. I never move with those people. Same happens in canteen, too many items, vada, bread bajji, samosa, onion samosa. I never go if I knew that they are planning to go canteen or store to eat. I say some reason and I’ll stay back in class or go to ground alone.

They do offer to those who are not afford to buy, I never show them that me too the one. I gently avoid that situation by going away, alone.

Even in college apart from travelling expense cost I get Rs.50 as pocket money, monthly. I used to save it to go for movie.

Only once I demanded to get me a Winner brand geometry box that should be on 6^th or 7^th standard. That costs Rs.25, after I got that I really felt bad. I thought I should have used the old one. Even now I don’t know what was my father’s earning. But I know whatever he brings is not enough. I have never seen my mom fighting with my dad for not earning sufficient. They were in love, they talk they laugh every day.

I never want to disturb him by asking such things. I know how hard for him to bring my school fees and I’m not loyal to that. I fail in all the exams except the final annual, no idea how was that happened. So I never want to ask those things. I feel that’s not mandatory so I avoid asking.

But by seeing my friends everyday with that I suffered deep inside, no one know that. I hid that in loud laugh.

I guess that deep sufferings are now stuffed inside my refrigerator.

Consecutive August

About August, since 2003 this is the only month consecutively putting some best thing into my life. When I said 2003, that is the time we moved to new house. Best house ever for that time. Again n again I used to say that was happened coincidentally and nothing I planned, but my pals never ever believed me.

A family who resided before was a girl’s family, with whom I had a crush. Following years I don’t exactly remember the best incidents. But on 2009 again I moved to a newly constructed house. This time it was bachelor move, since I’m living apart from my family for studies n job. The same month I met my princess for first time. Though it gone other way, I could say a moments I spent along with her was best and remain as same for ever and ever.

On 2010, I was desperately looking for change, I got an offer letter from a good company. I found more exposure and the first thing that attracted me is the view of the city and sea I can see from the company. Company placed in 9^th floor and I love to see from the tilt.

Now 2011, the same amount of work load continued to this month. Then the later part I moved from one head to another. Where they know what additional responsibility I have taken and its nature. Apart from this I found nice things under it. In a row since 2003 again a change happened in August of this year should bring best thing to my life.

I should have told this on my earlier post (July, 2011), once I rushed to get office cab, I was seeing two fellows crossing me near by my house. My mind commented about the one as look how roughly he is walking and the other look like starving poor man. Then I passed on, after few steps I heard some body calling my name. Then I turned around, yes that two fellows are my room mates since January. How my mind could forgot them, I wonder still.

But I know I need some time for it. I started to give some time to my mind. Then now I believe that I’m fine. My expectation about 2012 August is more then my next minute. And of course I should share this, it gave me time to sleep on my maa’s lap, much needed on the end of July.

July 2011

One of the best months I spent so far in my journey. It never allowed writing or thinking about my past. To be more particular, in this month I myself came to know how workaholic I am. Yes, the additional responsibility I took, temporarily, made me so. There are longest nights in my life so far, this would be a longest month, I can say.


Even in school days I never touch my books on Sundays if Saturday is working day. But now I worked on Saturday and even Sunday in office and home as well. A thing, which always pinches my head, was gone a bit away. No doubts in that, because there is no post I made. Many times I lost my temper, no matter, however my pals know me.


More then 12 hours I spent in office and two to two and half hours on travel. Almost 8 hours 
I sleep, which never enough. I lost outside contacts, had no idea about daily news. Apart from usual hours, mobile slept a lot. I avoided picking up calls since I don’t want to hear anything good or bad, whatever.


Many dreams at night, I remember nothing but very few. I was in school, cycling, sight seeing and a face of princess. I used to think about last night dreams while I’m in cab.
I think again this is my time to access myself. I felt a change with me, it might be good or need to get back. If it is good then I need to practice to keep it with me.


Desperate need is my mom’s lap, to sleep for a while at least.

school Time Story!

Happened before 10 years, at my IX standard, after a combined class of history our section fellows left the class room. On the way to my section, one of my friend said “she looked you merely throughout an hour”.

I asked him ‘who?’, he left after saying her name. But I really don’t know who that girl is. ‘cause that’s how I was in those days. I had no much contact with girls. All day I listened at the girls talk, I expected at least one to call that name, no one did till lunch hour. I can’t eat. But before that evening I found her. Even I don’t know the spelling for her name those days, every day I took the register and I read her spelling of her name.

As usual I started hating Saturdays n Sundays, public holidays. I loved to go school on Saturdays. Every day I followed her, as like a guard, only after she went in to her home, I drove my cycle fast. On February 14^th, my cleaver friend felt something strange in my behaviour. My fortunate I got him as a friend, ‘cause he was the best student on those days. His unfortunate, I can say, ‘cause I usually fail in at least a subject. If I concentrate in physics n scored, no more, 40%, I know in maths my score will be 25. ooops! What else again it’s ‘F’ grade.

On the same day, we were sitting in ground, our maths teacher was correcting our midterm test papers, he called my name n asked me ‘you know what you’ve scored in this test?’

As usual I blinked twice n kept looking at him without opening my mouth. He answered himself for his question ‘you scored 45 out of 100’ added more ‘Good, but try to get 60’. I was so happy for that mark. Very next paper was that girl’s, she scored around 90, and she was not happy. Mean while I said things to him.

Cleaver friend smiled at me. He said, “hmm.. Let you do like this, see how much she scored. Try to reach her level, once you reached then you can propose.”

I dropped the plan of Feb 14. But daily I follow her.

One day, after school, she was talking with two of my classmates. I remember what I heard, one among them proposed her few days back. But she refused.

When I went a bit closer; I heard something other fellow was saying, “he is not studying as before, even you know his score previous year n this year”.

Yes, even I know, he’s a good competitor to my cleaver friend in studies n now he’s opponent to me too.

That fellow continued again, ‘he started to booze. Not concentrating in studies, I think you need to ask him why?’

‘Damn, me? Why should I want to ask him, that’s his fate? He should concentrate on his own studies. What can I do? Let me know what he hell I did? If I was in her position I would have replied so.

Now I was very much eager to know her reply.

She turned her eye sight to him (for sure if I was there, I never looked that person) and with a gentle smile she started this way,

“Is it true?”

Oops! that’s really strange n unexpected for me at that age. With gentle tone she started about life, career, n love.

Even then I followed her all the way; I keep sending invitations to accept me as a friend in all the social networks she logged in (before even she knows what is that site is all about). I sent too many emails, she responded to none of them. I really didn’t know when I can propose her. For sure she will ask me at least four questions. I may answer three or I can convince her. I know any one of her question will stuck n throw me down, I mean on those days. Now I can go forward, but I don’t want to disturb her. Many things happened in my life; may be in her life too. I still love her maturity and the way she handled that thing. Recently I apologized for my behaviour. She replied

 ‘There is nothing to ask apology.’

How many emails I sent? How many comments I posted? Everything did nothing!!!? ;)

College Zone!

In office, in front of system, heard a conversation between few people,

‘How much you paid as a term fees for your daughter?’ one asked.

Other answered, ‘paid twenty thousand as a term fees and thirty five thousand as donation’.

Another one, ‘Donation huh?’

‘mmm! She didn’t cleared the interview, so … management seat… thirty thousand …’

I know his daughter was three plus years. Interviewing a child, who is learning to speak even. Education system was getting worse and worse every year.

This was happened at my third semester first examination day. No exam tension, I never had since my board exams. Time reached 7.00 A.M. myself and my roommate urged to get the university bus, every bus crossing us was fully occupied and a last by 7.20 A.M we got in to a bus, sorry we travelled in a footboard. After a safety journey, we reached the university, as usual I saw last minute rushes. I bought a pen, black and brown sketches, a scale and my ID. Of course hall ticket I should have brought that, but I haven’t received.

Almost 8.00 A.M I reached the department office, I saw few people standing out side with the books on their hands. I met my faculty,

‘wait outside, we yet to receive instructions from office’ this is the reply I got.

Nothing was in my mind at that time, very few boys and a girl, her eyes were wet and red. She buried her head in to the book to avoid others eyes. Boys’ faces were upset. I heard laughing sound from department. I thought this might be a very usual thing happening every semester.

Time reached 8.25 A.M, that girl dropped her book and sat by dragging herself on the wall, boys occupied the entrance since no faculty allowed them inside, they started giving the oral promises, that they will pay the fees by this evening, some by tomorrow. Some had shown the hot cash that they are had at that moment. Faculty came out side and announced,

‘who all are holding cash or cheque or D.D for fee, come inside and collect your hall tickets and rush to exam hall immediately’.

Many entered into the department eagerly, a faculty shouted as ‘not everyone, only who is holding cash right now … not everyone’.

Last fellow came out and exhaled and ran out. Only very few were standing. Nothing was I’m holding to show them, but wish of my dad I remembered at that moment,

‘you should not go for second attempt in any study, I got failed in maths in my first board exam. That time I don’t want to go for second attempt. You should not take any chance’.

This is the wish as a dad he asked me, no other wish I remember still. I felt that I gonna miss my words. Almost 8.40 A.M, one ma’am came out and whispered to me,

‘they asked us to allow you all to write exam after half an hour, you just prepare for exam’ and she left.

After 9.05 A.M they allowed us to go exam hall, exam hall was at least half kilo meter from department office. Everybody ran out as soon as they asked, no allowed us to write an exam. I walked as still I have more time then any other. But in real everybody had 3.00 hours for the same question paper but we had less then two and half hours.

At last I saved my words. But the question in my mind still is, are they doing service or business. If they agreed that they are doing business not service, still I have a question.

I remember same incident happed in school days. But that time they didn’t allowed because of not paying the current term fees. That’s a fair business. Here we were there to write third semester examination, they punished us for not paying the fourth semester fees, this is not a fair business. I can respect my school as a good trader at least. Thinking about the university, under which manner I can respect them. Hope they are not expecting such thing.

I likely to say, do what ever, service or business. Don’t cover it up with other.

Thank You 2010!

2010... Whatever, it’s the best part of my life. Many years I travelled with a smile n cry as a part, still 2010 is more special among everything. I started with perplexity, by searching a certainty. Huge part of misery happened from very beginning. actually was continued at the begining. Best part is, still it’s there.

Too many explanations, promises, eventual words n tears. Tears rolled out unkowingly, even in a crowded train, in auto without any hesitation.

It's hard to find someone who can cry like us for our problem, when we know that we should let them go, that's more hard to make it with smile. This is one among the reason for reserve. In very second month I can feel the distance, but on grace(!) it was confirmed on third month.

Remain reserved for 5 months, bald even. No calls, meet no one. Connected all the dots. Office... Room.. movie.. Sleep.. Cry.. Connect.. Movie.. again office.. room. Nothing there to blame, it happened. All the dots were connected, still few remains unconnected, called exceptions.

Everyone dream about everything, company included. I got into such a company. That too happened like an accident. Can say it's a gift of 'SOMEONE'. To avoid meeting with 'someone' I engaged myself.

Still 2010 Gave me many things, brought me many moments after long, long time.

Had Pannir soda after 10 yrs, Thanks Suren!

Crab after 15 yrs, Thanks Packi!

And got reply from a girl, I adore first, that too after 8 yrs… Thanks for (your) reply!

My Mom crossed her 50th birthday, Never free your hold from me maa.

Cried like anything for many days, after 7yrs.. Nothing there to blame anyONE!

Too many trips, Kallaar, Ooty, Yercaud-Ooty, Kumbakonam-srivanjiyam, n at last our spot ''DEAD END'.

Then this is the third year end I'm speading with my best buddy Suren.

Got too many usual reason for, usual S-mileeee…!!!!

Too many things, loads n loads of stuff, kinda finishing a 5yrs course in a year ;)
Thanks 2010…

Only if I get back those moments...

"Remember there's no such thing as

a small act of kindness. Every act

creates a ripple with no logical end."

-Scott Adams

(Sitting in the corner of a dark room, started talking alone) First I don’t want to attend any calls. Later I hesitate to pick calls. Then I forgot to do that (smiles) … (with serious face) Now I hate to talk through mobiles ... I changed a lot. I can feel it. Still some advising me like “if you see someone more gorgeous and in good structure you’ll fall again”. Moreover they want me to mark their words. Funny! Really it’s …
…
Yeah! I know I might fall… I’ll… I fell because she is beautiful. If so I should keep falling everyday since … (smiles) I can say from school days.

mmm … what if I fell for some gorgeous as my fellow said, I’ll expect same things what I get n felt in earlier. I still remember, in a long travel she slept on my shoulder, by holding my hand. When she woke up we had a conversation, all of sudden I kissed her. Deeply… (smiles by looking down)

she said “you are killing me” by holding my shirt tightly. …

Then she said “I felt your breath all over my face while you … “

“Is it so? I didn’t felt yours” in sarcastic tone.

By staring my eyes she replied “I can’t breathe …” she gasped while saying this...
“loose take me somewhere … only you and I … Only…”

(Whispered) I should ... I should… why I didn’t …

(In louder tone) mmmm yeah! What if I expect same appreciation after kissing the gorgeous? What if she said nothing? I don’t know … What I do if she comes back when I’m with that hell gorgeous? (smiles) how stupid I’m …

(in pleasing tome) She was expressive.. (bit louder) more expressive, that’s what killing me know. Fine, before that I had a crush with a girl, you know what, when I started talking with her I forget even myself, (smiles) where I get time to think about that crush. Even she knew about that. (voice fades) Today everything went against everything.

I thought thousand things before proposing; now I should think ten thousand things even to accept any proposal. (smiles) proposal…

Even now … every night before I sleep I’ll say “Love you loose” …
(Tears falling out from eyes) how fool I’m … mmm … fool …

(by wiping the tears) don’t compromise if you are not dare enough, it’ll make other coward, reserved … wired … (by wiping the tears smiles) … (whispered) don’t do that … (Walked towards the mirror, staring own face).

Sweet Nightmare! waiting for another

I was in the local train, sitting after a seat near by window, traveling with my roommate. He is standing out of my sight.

Dad asking me, “what are you up to?”

Me “plan to do further courses, to build up my career”

“are you sure?”

“mmm”

“don’t regret once you on half way. If you start then finish it don’t give up”

“mmm” I replied.

I turned other side for sight seeing. A small boy, with tinny eyes, holding a bag tightly came and sat on the same seat. I smiled at him, that boy too.

I asked “you came alone? Where is your father?”

“no” and pointed his hand somewhere behind.

He asked me “where is your father?”

“he past away… long back”

“oh… with whom you were talking... sometime before”

“That’s my father”

Passengers sitting behind my seats started murmuring by looking me strangely. After few seconds he left the seat. After few minutes of travel, I got down in some station. I know that is not exact destination where I have to get down. Phone rings, my roommate on line.

“ai, where are you, that is not…”

Before he finish, I interrupted, “yeah! I know, you just go n finish your shopping. I’ll come to room… mmm.. bye”

Without waiting for his reply I cut.

I had seen a mother and her son standing on road side, where few other boys eating pizzas find all over streets. That mom held her son’s arm tightly to avoid him from picking those pizzas. He pleased her with his eyes. She said no by nodding her head right to left and by opening her eyes wide.

I was standing in some border of something; I can feel that I should not cross it.

Suddenly I woke up from dream. I again closed my eyes. I feel a hand on my legs. That must be my dad. I tried to call him.

“no need to say anything” only I heard these words.

I felt his presence till dawn. I had gone to deep sleep after many days. I woke up in the morning I was very fresh, the calendar was showing the day, that was exactly eight years and one month old; from the day he left me alone. I’m still waiting for him, like to talk many things.

“dad please come today, wanna talk I’m struggling. I can’t breath let we chat today… will you? mmm”

Night After YOU Left ME!

Night by 9 I reached my room. I opened the locked door. It’s dark in and out. No one was there to greet me. I said ‘hi’ to the darkness and entered into the room. I locked the door from inside. Still it was dark; no sound other than my foot step. I changed my cloths and entered in to bathroom, still darkness remains same. I opened the tap; only sound of that water occupied the whole room.

I dried my face with towel. Came into living room I sat on that easy chair. Chair made some noise. Still it was dark. I didn’t felt to switch on lights. Darkness remains as same as I entered the room. Room was full of silence. I was not clear about what I have to think. Again I got up from the chair. It sounds again. I took a shower for fifteen minutes. I came out with all wet. I didn’t even take towel. I sat on the same chair.

What I searched in darkness? Nothing I was searching. Just thinking about what I lost. Why I’m still… I know I spent days with smiles and sounds long way. This is my time to be with my silence. My eyes were not closed. All I decided is ‘No more tears for the same reason again and again’. I felt myself as a stupid.

I’m struggling to swim in the dead ocean. I fell because I felt you are in it, without even realizing that I don’t know to swim. Once I jumped into it I found what I seen was just your image on that clear dead ocean. You are still on the shore and smiling at me. I sank many times and came out. After few struggling I looked at your side you were not there. All I remember now is your last smile.

This was not a dream but it is.

I went in front of the mirror. Not clear image I seen in that darkness, I seen dark shade in my face. I stared at myself. No change I found except the bald head. I want to be bald to remind myself not to thing and not to forget.

What you like to call it as?

Still I don’t know…

Thursday, noon. I’m in office. Not much work but having something to do. Now days I’m not talking to her. She got committed and things gone very worst. I felt there is no mean in talking to her. Every time she used to say “go away from me”. So I thought it’s better to keep myself away from her. All I asking to myself is that how she is ready to leave me all alone and … what else… after she left me. Nothing is there to ask. I can’t say that we just loved. We were in relationship, that’s what I felt. Not in physical relationship.. But we were more comfort in all things. What I can say, now I’m in break up or divorcee or she ditched me.

Suddenly something interrupted.

That’s my mobile vibration sound.

“one new message received”

My instinct said that it should be her. I opened it.

“you know wat. I’m in hospital now”

I was confused that I should reply or have to be quite. But situation wins here. I replied,

“what happened?”

“don’t know I vomited everything I ate and found that blood was mixed in it. Mom got scared and came to hospital.”

I really didn’t understand. My fingers are not ready to type anything in my keyboard. I can’t sit anymore in my desk then I went to pantry. I made call to her. She picked immediately.

“What happened da” I asked with anxious.

“nothing” usual answer.

“ai, please … “

“Nothing da. Few drops of blood were found in that. Unfortunately mom seen that and she was scared and asked dad to take me to the hospital.”

“why it’s …” I don’t know what to ask.

Now I moved form pantry to staircase.

She laughed and “mmm.. don’t know da. We checked. Doctor said that everything is normal. It’s better to scan my head. Don’t know exactly. I said you right? I’m a defect piece.” She laughed again.

“don’t lie loose. Please tell me the truth” I insist her.

“Hmmm… so you don’t believe me right? dei, have to do scan then they’ll confirm it. Even dad went to pay for scan. Might be like brain tuber or brain cancer”

“Tell me which hospital you are in?” I asked.

“dei.. Please don’t come please” she pleased.

“okay I’m not, just asked that’s it” I replied calmly.


Few seconds of silence…

I remembered few months back, time we were just friends, I was in my hometown in middle of usual conversation in chat she said that she felt that something bad is going to happen to her. Even astrologer predicted that some strange will happen to her equal to the pain of death.’ I said to console her that ‘nothing will happen to you until I’m with you. She asked ‘then don’t go anywhere by leaving me alone’. I said heartily that ‘I’ll be with you forever.’ She replied for that ‘so finally I could hear some sweet things from you’. I said ‘nothing sweet or salt.’ She angrily replied ‘Poda pissasu you are simply restricting yourself from everything. Never see me as your princess. Be as you are. I won’t fall for you don’t worry.’

She breaks the silence,

“Loose...”

I “Hmmm”

“I just lied da. Chumma apdi. We just came for his eye test. I thought that you’ll get into tears. But you are strong.”

“oh... podi” really I feel relaxed.

Then she continued,

“But if whatever I said was true then I can ask my daddy that I want to marry you as my last wish. He’ll surely say okay right? I can live with you.. hmmm... "
Now couple of tears rolled out and dropped down. ... "Daddy has come. Okay bye da” she whispered and cuts the call.

I remember her message few days back when we met n said good bye to each other,

“The moment I saw u, I forget myself,
The moment I held your hands, I forget myself,
The moment u held my hands, I thought y I shouldn’t be only yours.
With last bit of tears saying good bye to you.
Loads of love and kisses your princess”